The cancer that started all of this is behind us. Pretty far behind us too. Fiona will be 4 years post transplant this summer and while not a finish line it's hell of a milestone. The trouble is that despite that milestone there is still much racing to be done.
Somethings we race toward - like growth and weight gain - but most of the things we race around, over, under or through. Like an obstacle course filled with the collateral damage from the treatment.
Read MoreA long, long time ago, I went back to work after being away and promised myself - I promised my husband - I wouldn't let work assert itself in an unhealthy way in our lives again...
Just over a year later - writing this in a hotel lobby bar, having flown away from my family after arranging meal plans and laying out requisite outfits for choir performances - performances I won't see - I am wondering: What might it take for the universe to finally get through to me?
Read MoreA long, long time ago, I went back to work after being away and promised myself - I promised my husband - I wouldn't let work assert itself in an unhealthy way in our lives again...
Just over a year later - writing this in a hotel lobby bar, having flown away from my family after arranging meal plans and laying out requisite outfits for choir performances - performances I won't see - I am wondering: What might it take for the universe to finally get through to me?
Read MoreI am getting better at marking the milestones because always the back of my head I wonder if and when this milestone might be the last one. The last birthday or christmas or easter egg hunt or trip to the cottage. I don't allow that thought to override all the choices I make, but it would be a lie to say that it doesn't occasionally motivate me sometimes...
Read MoreThe news gets out and everyone around them freezes, struck by the same thought: Holy shit. This is awful. What should I do? This is the question that everyone has for me and, to be honest, I never really know what to say....
Leah's Top 10 List "What to do when someone's world implodes!" (I'm gonna count down from 10 to 1 Letterman style given it is a such a fun topic ….)
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I am not a 'religious' person. I don't subscribe to a specific doctrine or faith - but somehow I had stumbled into my church. It somehow just appeared around me when I needed it the most. The value of a faith is really in the community and the stability and the security it creates. It provides a bedrock that feels firm even when everything else is in question.
Read MoreThe wolf is like a myth or a fable from the dark-ages. A story that was told to keep children from wandering too far from the village 'or the wolf will get you'. A character in a passive-aggressive story meant to incent good behavior, obedience or compliance to the rules. The difference is that this wolf, my wolf, is real. We've seen him. He's been to our door and, on more than one occasion, had my child in his jaws.
Read MoreSometimes the miracle is just saying yes....
Read MoreThis was how Fiona found out the name of her disease. It happened sometime this past year - after Christmas but before the snow was gone. Fiona and Simon were sitting in the den (what we call the telly-room, for obvious reasons) and Tim and I were in the kitchen. It was a Friday night because the kids were watching a movie and Tim and I were opening a bottle of wine and standing in the kitchen chatting as we poured out the first glasses. It is possible it was a Thursday (because Thursday is the new Friday) or a really bad Wednesday. Either way, Tim and I had said fuck it, and were having a drink and letting the kids rot in front of a movie.
Read MoreThere’s lots of scary shit you hear along the way. “It’s Cancer” was the first and scariest, until I heard “It’s back” which put the first to shame. What I wasn’t prepared for was the answer to my question “What do we do now?” The little 3-word answer “I don’t know” rocked me to the core and I started to let go. I started to let go of my role as a parent and decision making and disciplinarian and teacher. I let the fear of her death take over and that was why I was standing in the hall...
Read MoreYou might think - you might hope (and me too) - that I would have a unique perspective on this given my life experience to date. You would think that I would lead with kindness and understanding. That I could - or should - be the person who would give the benefit of the doubt and never jump to conclusions or make snap judgements. But I do. Because I am human and I'm living in the after and perspective is something that is difficult to hold on to. It feels like vapour and when it surrounds you and you notice it, there is a grace in it. Too often, however, I am moving too fast or I am not paying attention and I miss it and it may be sometime before it presents again.
Read MoreSo this really happened. Fiona ate her lunch at Daycare/Summer Camp (aka. the place I drop her off so I can go and do my day job and earn enough money to pay for the place that I drop her off too...) This? This is a big fucking deal. These are the types of things I never in a million years thought would be a big deal, and yet - here we are. I have told every person I have encountered in the last 2 days since it happened. This is late breaking news. This is 'We now interrupt your regularly scheduled programming…" kind of news. Hell, I'm writing a blog about it. This matters. It matters a lot.
Read MoreLiving in the after means living with a wolf at your door. The first time around, we didn't feel this way. In the back of our minds we - rational people for the most part - knew there was a chance of relapse but we also knew there were additional treatment options. We felt like we had a 'Plan B' and that gave us comfort, even if not consciously.
Read MorePicking up in the middle seems an odd thing to do, and yet to me is the most natural thing in the world. I always planned on a 'normal' life and because I am a bit of a control freak and a planner, it has largely worked out that way. Good school, good job, got married, had kids, blah, blah, blah. And then Fiona, my youngest, was diagnosed with AML at 15 months of age and everything changed. Everything ground to a halt for 6 months and everything else went on the back burner and we dealt with her critical - and it was critical - illness. Six months later we brought her home in remission - a miracle of sorts - and we tried to get on with our lives. And we did a pretty good job too. We went back to work and life carried on, we treated our brush with death as something in the past and counted ourselves lucky we had 'dodged a bullet'
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