I have this friend...(The Dos and Don'ts of Bad News)
I used to get these messages about funny topics. People asking me 'indirectly' about whether they should call 'the morning after' (no) or if I think what this 'friend' said to her boss drunk at the Christmas party was a career limiting move. (It was. And I know it was you Karen.)
Now when a text or an email begins in this way, I clench. I clench my teeth and my butt cheeks and… well, I clench everything that will clench and I wait for the shoe to drop.
This sentence, now, almost always finishes with the same horrifying and tragic and all too common fact: Another family has just had the news that their son/daughter/grandbaby has just been diagnosed with <insert name of cancer or other fucked-up critical illness> That family is now sitting in hospital or in some hellish waiting room.
The news gets out and everyone around them freezes, struck by the same thought: Holy shit. This is awful. What should I do? This is the question that everyone has for me and, to be honest, I never really know what to say.
And that should tell you a lot. I've sat in that waiting room. I can, in an instant, remember the moments (cause, lucky me, we got to hear the news twice!) when that particular freight train ran me over. In that second, during that clench, I am back in that room on B6-100, just outside the nurses station on the south side of the floor. I remember what I was wearing. I remember it smelled funny and I remember being completely incapable of anything other than blinking my eyes and comforting my daughter. I remember wanting and needing for nothing because, in that moment, my needs ceased to exist.
My point is that I think it is normal to be frozen and paralyzed by this news - it is normal to feel a desperate urge to do something, anything, but have no real idea of what that something might be. I figure if I feel this way, people without my frame of reference or experience should be entitled to the same cluelessness. That said, perhaps my experience can be put to good use - and while I don't know what you 'should' do (because I ain't no Dr. Phil) I can tell you what I appreciated, what helped me and what I can recall - even now - as something I held on to.
So, here it is! Leah's Top 10 List "What to do when someone's world implodes!" (I'm gonna count down from 10 to 1 Letterman style given it is a such a fun topic ….)
10: Meals - This almost goes without saying; Lasagnas and beef-a-roni and various other casseroles were life savers; Try to mix it up a bit but shit that can be frozen (especially in smaller portions) is amazing. Throw in some healthy stuff and fresh whenever you can and it's feasible - you'll be amazed a how one can crave a salad after too much 'comfort food' (turns out there is such a thing) When we left for Toronto an amazing woman made us up 12 meals frozen in individual portions know that Tim and I would often be eating solo at the Ronald McDonald House but felt this was no reason to "eat shitty food" and thus…Not only did this make me feel loved, it meant I wasted no energy having to think about what to make, let alone go about actually doing that.
9: Parking Pass - Parking at many hospitals is sometimes covered by charities so I'd suggest asking if this is a need before forking out for it (cause it AIN'T CHEAP…but this is also exactly why it's bananas helpful) Money is a real thing and if people are having to stop work or go on reduced disability incomes or whatever, money starts to be a thing even if it wasn't before
8: Gift Cards - Tim's gift cards and gas cards and other small denomination cards that make grabbing coffees or snacks in/around the hospital easier were another lifesaver. See note above re: money - I'm serious. These people are travelling more and absorbing costs you cannot imagine and it's the closest we will ever get to being okay with giving/accepting cash.
7: Home/House Care - This came for us in a couple of different ways:
The gift of a clean home is fucking priceless. Whether you do it or hire a service or whatever, it takes away a 'thing' that consumes energy (something this family is not going to have going spare) More importantly, it eliminates something that could (will) cause people to feel guilty.
Small chores & upkeep: It doesn't have to be a big expense - shovel the driveway in the winter, cut the lawn, water the garden. We had a particularly thoughtful neighbour who knows I like to have pots out for each season. In October, she bought and left potted mums on my porch. The quiet simplicity and thoughtfulness of it is something I will never forget.
6: Give Blood/Register as Bone Marrow Donor/Sign your Donor Card- 'Nuff said
5: Self-care - The parents of these children (if that's the deal) may (will likely) not take great care of themselves. Not because they are being martyrs or sadists but because they are riddled by guilt or just be in a place where they will have ceased to feel the pull to do anything for themselves. That whole "you can't pour from an empty cup" is 100% corny and also 100% fucking true. I did not suffer this affliction but I know I am the exception and not the rule. Here are some suggestions:
If they don't have a gym membership or access to fitness, facilitate that. NOTE: Use w/appropriate levels of common sense. The last thing you want is for your thoughtful efforts to communicate "Hey - I'm super sorry about your kid having cancer. I also noticed you're a bit fat so here is a gym membership…"
Make them go outside - for a walk, for a sit on the bench, for anything. Vitamin D and non-recirculated air is helpful for all human beings. NOTE: If you convince them to go outside and sit on a bench do NOT force them to 'talk about it' Be a friend and just fucking sit there. Don't wreck it.
Small gift/luxury for them - I got a couple of small care-packages just for me during all this. A bag filled with soft slippers for the hospital and some tabloid magazines (like crack, I love them); During our time in Toronto, my aunt and uncle sent me to a day-spa for an afternoon (fucking magic) Things that they will love - you're gonna need to know them better than 'that girl from the squash ladder at the gym' to get this right. But if you do, you can really hit a homerun here…
4: Kid Distractions - Toys and craft supplies and new DVDs and board games and … fucking anything really. These people are gonna spend a LONG time in the hospital and, depending on what specific fresh hell they are living, they could be in some extreme isolation situations. This is much like being on a never ending car ride with a toddler with a moderate mood disorder - having a tickle-trunk of new games/toys/colouring books etc. is CRITICAL for everyone's sanity
3: Fill In- Fill in for them as parents with their other kid(s). Include their kids (aka the forgotten children) in your family activities. See if they can join you on your cottage weekend or trip to the zoo or whatever. Having one kid trapped in a hospital is bad; seeing the rest of your children suffer because you are trapped - or at least tethered there too - is just as hard. This thing will have ripple effects throughout the entire family. The sick kid will have an army around them - the kids at home need extra TLC too. If you can give that, be a surrogate of sorts, this will take pressure, guilt and stress off the shoulders of mum and dad. It did for us.
2: Be specific, make suggestions and KEEP making them - There is going to be an outpouring initially- people sending love and offering their support. At first, we just said no to everything - we were overwhelmed and shell-shocked and while we were reassured to see this army of support, we had no idea how to mobilize it. While there were many offers of 'whatever you need' I found the specific offers the most helpful. I appreciated it when people offered 2 or 3 specific things they would like to do for us and then sought my permission/input into what was the most appropriate. This prevented them from wasting time/money/effort doing something we may not need (or even want!) and let me have some control over what I felt I needed most withouthaving to figure it out for them or come out and make a direct plea (something that was hard for me) Most importantly, don't give up on us. I said no a lot of times and to a lot of things, but this thing will take a toll on the mightiest of spirits. While I didn't need a walk or a break or a night of pizza and wine the first eleven times you asked, I needed it more than air the 12th. Thank god you kept offering.
1. Hit Send - Send a text, send an email, write a letter and send a card. I got countless of them from beginning to end and all throughout. Often, it was the unexpected'after the drama' letters and emails that I would receive letting me know that someone out there was thinking of us and holding us close in their thoughts that would get me through. These notes and letters asked for nothing - no questions of how are you? Or what can I do? Or anything. They were letters about what made them think of me/us or coming across a funny memory or photo or just telling me about their boring/sad/disgusting/regular life that I loved. It made me feel normal and remember that before all of this I was a friend and a sister and a colleague and a neighbor. It made me remember that I wasn't solely defined by this thing that was happening to me and around me and that while I may be forever changed by it, there were people out there staying connected to me and changing with me. I still had a soft place to fall and people to catch me, regardless of the outcome.
There is no 'right' answer to what you should do.
Just. Do. Something.