A long, long time ago, I went back to work after being away and promised myself - I promised my husband - I wouldn't let work assert itself in an unhealthy way in our lives again...
Just over a year later - writing this in a hotel lobby bar, having flown away from my family after arranging meal plans and laying out requisite outfits for choir performances - performances I won't see - I am wondering: What might it take for the universe to finally get through to me?
Read MoreI am not a 'religious' person. I don't subscribe to a specific doctrine or faith - but somehow I had stumbled into my church. It somehow just appeared around me when I needed it the most. The value of a faith is really in the community and the stability and the security it creates. It provides a bedrock that feels firm even when everything else is in question.
Read MoreThe wolf is like a myth or a fable from the dark-ages. A story that was told to keep children from wandering too far from the village 'or the wolf will get you'. A character in a passive-aggressive story meant to incent good behavior, obedience or compliance to the rules. The difference is that this wolf, my wolf, is real. We've seen him. He's been to our door and, on more than one occasion, had my child in his jaws.
Read MoreThere’s lots of scary shit you hear along the way. “It’s Cancer” was the first and scariest, until I heard “It’s back” which put the first to shame. What I wasn’t prepared for was the answer to my question “What do we do now?” The little 3-word answer “I don’t know” rocked me to the core and I started to let go. I started to let go of my role as a parent and decision making and disciplinarian and teacher. I let the fear of her death take over and that was why I was standing in the hall...
Read MoreSo this really happened. Fiona ate her lunch at Daycare/Summer Camp (aka. the place I drop her off so I can go and do my day job and earn enough money to pay for the place that I drop her off too...) This? This is a big fucking deal. These are the types of things I never in a million years thought would be a big deal, and yet - here we are. I have told every person I have encountered in the last 2 days since it happened. This is late breaking news. This is 'We now interrupt your regularly scheduled programming…" kind of news. Hell, I'm writing a blog about it. This matters. It matters a lot.
Read MoreLiving in the after means living with a wolf at your door. The first time around, we didn't feel this way. In the back of our minds we - rational people for the most part - knew there was a chance of relapse but we also knew there were additional treatment options. We felt like we had a 'Plan B' and that gave us comfort, even if not consciously.
Read MorePicking up in the middle seems an odd thing to do, and yet to me is the most natural thing in the world. I always planned on a 'normal' life and because I am a bit of a control freak and a planner, it has largely worked out that way. Good school, good job, got married, had kids, blah, blah, blah. And then Fiona, my youngest, was diagnosed with AML at 15 months of age and everything changed. Everything ground to a halt for 6 months and everything else went on the back burner and we dealt with her critical - and it was critical - illness. Six months later we brought her home in remission - a miracle of sorts - and we tried to get on with our lives. And we did a pretty good job too. We went back to work and life carried on, we treated our brush with death as something in the past and counted ourselves lucky we had 'dodged a bullet'
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