Promises made and broken...
I was invited to give a talk recently - the topic was "What is your Super Power?" On the off chance I get to be super famous speaker and this becomes a go-to-speech for me, I won't give too much away. But, for context at least, there was a point where I reference my selfishness as a redeeming feature - specifically I reference that I enjoy my own company and as often as I can find ways I can spend time by myself and for myself. The benefit of this 'selfishness' is that I have a violent awareness of my values, of what matters and what is important. Being selfish has taught me how to say no, that I cannot spend time on things that don't matter - on shit that isn't important to me.
And as I fly away from my family, my warm home, my kids and my dog, I cannot help but think "What the fuck am I doing?"
I travel for work. A little bit and, more recently, a lot-tle bit. Whether by plane or car or train, it's all travel. And it's all work. I like my work. A lot. And even more, I'm killer at it, I have fun doing it and, while not necessarily 'noble' by definition, I do think it adds value and, to the extent I have the impact, I do make things better. Even if it is by making dull meetings more 'interesting'…
As I mentioned above, when I travel I am away from my kids and my dog and my home (and everyone who has ever travelled for work knows there is simply nothing like your own bed…) But I am also away from the piles of laundry, the making of lunches, the walking and <ahem> various support tasks associated with the afore-mentioned dog. When I travel I fly away from the tasks of day-to-day adulting and parenting courtesy of my husband and various other support systems from friends, to neighbours to the indispensable Nana and Poppa.
Like my work, I am also good at travel. I do well on mass transit - I like people watching and going through the process of travelling. Checking in, waiting for flights to be called, making small talk with whomever is sitting beside me or the steward on the train. I love a good airport restaurant and there is, short of class a-drugs, nothing like a quality hotel lobby bar (ideally with live music and the right lighting)
Travelling is also good for the people I work for - I tend to work longer hours (she types at a hotel lobby bar at 9:53PM on a Wednesday...case in point) and I tend to lean in pretty hard to it too. I focus on things a bit differently when I am 'away' for work and I can indulge my workaholic tendencies without feeling the least bit guilty about being distracted and or failing to enjoy the beautiful mayhem of my family.
But this time it's different.
This is the third time.
A long, long time ago, I went back to work after being away and promised myself - I promised my husband - I wouldn't let work assert itself in an unhealthy way in our lives again. In a split second, I knew what mattered - the universe had woken me up to it. The universe made me choose and when the choice came, there was no choice. It just was. It was six months away from work and then a slow return back and, armed with a new perspective, a new appreciation for life. With all that learning, I slowly re-started my professional success.
And then just a little more than one year later I was back where I was the first time the universe slapped me in the back of the head. I had relapsed. I had allowed the pull of 'success' of 'performing' of 'having it all' knock my life out of whack. Again. I had broken my promises, I had forgotten all the lessons I had learned.
Enter Universe. Enter wake-up call #2.
This time our family faced a different and very bleak outcome and, again, the choice was no choice at all. I walked away from my work - without a blink, without a second thought without a worry about 'what happens after this…' because I had bigger problems. I had the biggest kind of problem you can have. I had the thing worse than 'life-and-death' - the life-and-death of my child.
This time I was away from work for two years. And when I returned I made the same promises. Again. Harder. I pinky-swore and promised myself and who ever else one makes promises to in the dead of the night, with an aching throat and a wet pillowcase - that I would not need to be tested again. This time was different.
"I heard you!" I told the universe. "I get it! I won't forget!" I promised her.
And now just fucking look at me.
Just over a year later - writing this in a hotel lobby bar. Having flown away from my family. Having spent the days around my work arranging meal plans and laying out the requisite outfits for choir performances - performances I won't see - and I am wondering what it might take for the universe to finally get through to me?
I'm not sure if I've officially fallen off the wagon again or if I am just starting to flirt with the idea of it. Of indulging. Perhaps the intoxication of this particularly on-point lobby bar is pulling me in. Regardless of how far gone I am, I can see it happening and this time I say no.
I say no to losing myself again. I say no to the slow disappearance and decay of what I value and who I know I am. I haven't been for a run in weeks. I fall asleep at 9PM on the couch because I am exhausted. All the time. I miss my kids even when I am with them because I feel like I don't have the energy or the strength to give them my full attention. I am losing track of everything and spend the majority of my time rationalizing that all of this is just part of 'this time in our lives'
And it's not. It's bullshit. I'm rationalizing this bullshit and even as my head screams "THAT'S BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT!"
This is the first time I have - with enthusaism, and eagerness taken up my keyboard to write. This is the first time in a long fucking time that my fingers can't seem to keep up with my mind and my words...This is the first time I have felt like I can DO something about this. This is the first time in a long time that I feel like I CAN influence what is happening to and around me.
This is the first time I am acknowledging what is happening. This is the first time I am saying out loud "This isn't okay" and "Something needs to change"
I know what needs to change. What I don't know is how.
I don't know how to get from where I am to where I want to be. But I think I have a better view of what the 'where I want to be' looks like. So now I need navigators to help me find my way - I need to ignite my tribe to help steer me.
Like a ship adrift at sea, the first step is to be towed to shore. Any shore.
Get to ground. Get your bearing. And make a fucking plan.