I’m a lot. I react. If you tell me something funny, Imma laugh. Loud and from my toes. It’s quite unsettling but charming and endearing once you get used to it.

If you tell me something sad or unjust or unfair there are two things that might happen. If someone has been mean or unjust or unfair to you, I get angry. I threaten the body, I explain why that person who hurt you is a piece of shit and, if they have truly transgressed someone I really love, I put their name on my list.

Yes. I have a list. I’m fucking Arya Stark

But less murder-y.

If the injustice is less personal, more systemic or broad reaching, I do a neat little combination of self-flagellation and overcompensating self-edification. For example, Black Lives Matter. This means I focus on what a piece of shit I am for either not knowing about this injustice OR for knowing but not doing enough about it and, at the same time, attempt to correct all my shortcomings in knowledge immediately.

Or as immediately as possible.

If you inspire me or educate me or help me or heal me, I will swear my undying devotion to you. I will walk on coals for those who inspire me. I will take on projects and promotions and campaigns to illustrate my dedication to your passion and your worthy cause. And I will give back - whenever and however I can. To the organizations who have made a difference in our community or in my life I will harness all my resources to share the messages or attend events or whatever.

And all of this is exhausting. But it is who I am and how I have lived for so long that it’s just who I am.

Or is it?

Say what you will about this whole global pandemic, it has certainly limited by ability to just ‘keep on keepin’ on’ and accepting that my behaviour and my reaction and my approach to life is who I am.

Lots of people will quote the idea that we are what we repeatedly do. I think that is right - but I think i have been working on a set of bad assumptions.

What has become clear to me in the past 4 months of isolation and quarantine is the level of fear that exists and - at least for me - how much of who I am and how I act and what matters to me is grounded at least in part in fear.

Fear of loss or judgement or making mistakes. Fear of letting someone down or what others might think. Fear of doing it wrong or not enough or too much.

This sounds depressing but it’s not. It’s a reframing of sorts for me - In how I examine my own thoughts and feeling and perceptions AND in how I understand other people too. And when I do it, it can help eliminate judgement.

Let me give you an example: Last week I got some feedback that I was a bit “pushy” at work. That I was being too demanding and too unrealistic in my expectations.

My reaction: EAT A DICK

My reaction after self-reflection and consideration fo the specifics of the circumstances: EAT A DICK

Okay - maybe I haven’t fully worked through all the growth potential but it’s a fucking process…

SO, maybe if i was more evolved and could position this differently I could ask “I wonder why my driving and relentless ‘achieve all the goals’ nature is scaring this person?”

Just asking that question opens my mind up so much more.

Maybe the person is scared. Maybe the person is articulating that they are violently aware they are letting me down … and they are scared to tell me. Maybe they are feeling overwhelmed or under-resourced or unsupported or incapable or any combination of the above.

Doing new stuff is hard. Doing new stuff in a new environment under pressure is very hard. Suddenly I am able to see how I can act and approach this situation differently with a mind to understanding versus defending my very well proven track record of success.

Which begs a larger question: Why am I so fucking angry when someone questions my driven, relentless goal oriented, anal-retentive, people pleaser good girl nature?

Yikes. There’s Memoir #2 right there…

What am I afraid of?

When I get frustrated at the weight piling on or the sense that I am not doing ‘enough’ creatively. When I get angry at my kids for needing more of me than i have to give. When I feel resented or under-appreciated.

Am I afraid people will judge me for how I look? Maybe.

Am I afraid that I will never publish the first book let alone write the second? Yup.

Am I scared not that my kids need me too much but that they need me the exact right amount and I’m letting them down? HARD YES

Am i worried that despite giving so much time and effort to my professional success that I am only as good as my last success … or fuck up? I don’t know…

But I do know that my problem is not with anger - or resentment or irritation or with any of the things or people or situations who trigger that emotion.

I don’t have an anger problem - Even with all the swears and EAT A DICK nonsense - I have a fear problem.

And sometimes the first step is to name it.

So guess what fear? I’m coming for you…