Five-years ago today we heard the words “it’s back”

 

Five-years ago todaysomeone drove me in a fog from work to the hospital. 

 

Five-years ago today we had to explain to her that we were staying and what started as a check-up was turning into something very different.

 

Five-years ago today I had to tell Simon why I was crying at his birthday party. 

 

In those years we have been down the bunny hole. All of them. More than once. We are all changed and damaged and scarred.

 

But we are also better and saved and healed. 

 

I hate to think of the corporate douche-bag I would be today if it wasn’t for what happened five-years ago today. 

 

Today I am more broken and damaged than I have ever been. I am also wiser and calmer and more confident. I use my fucks more sparingly. I know what they are worth now. I realize how precious they are. I know that nothing is promised to me or anyone. Nothing is fair or equal or right. 

 

You don’t get what you deserve. You don’t get what you want. You sometimes don’t even get what you need, regardless of what the Rolling Stones say. 

 

You should expect nothing – I can’t help it.

 

You should appreciate everything – It’s hard. 

 

You should have a gratitude practice – I don’t.

 

You should be mindful every day – I try. 

 

You should set boundaries like a mother fucker – I struggle.

 

What I have learned in 5 years is a lifetime of wisdom. I hear and see all the should and instead of taking it all on, I know I am doing the best I can with what I have. 

 

My circumstances are unique. My power and personality is something not to be trifled with. My tribe is strong and my family is unbreakable. 

 

Whatever the advice all I can dois the next thing. 

 

The next day. The next event. The next milestone. 

 

All I can be is me. And present. And – in my own way – grateful.